The Christian Bubble and My First Experience

Before college I had never drank, smoked, cursed, or had sex. Of course none of those things are really anything to brag about having done them, that's just the kind of life I had. The one thing I have against growing up in a Christian home with strict parents is that I never really saw the world for what it is. It's like I kind of grew up in a bubble. I wasn't the most sheltered kid in the world, but at the same time my mom FREAKED when she found out I had made a myspace when I was a sophomore in highschool, and grounded me for a month for using the internet without asking. I find that it's the same way at my school now. This place is a protected Christian bubble, where we don't really see what real life is, and we never have to deal with heavy issues that are suppose to shape our personalities and characters. I say we, but, I don't really count myself in with 90% of the people that go here. Remember what I said about there being 2 kinds of Christians? Well, I only associate myself with the real ones at my school, the ones that know that not everything is black and white. There are very few of us. These are my closest friends here. They know about me, and it doesn't make any difference to them. I feel bad for the kids that go here that went to private Christian schools all their lives, and are now going here. These are the kids that go off the deep end when the get into the real world, and finally have some freedom. I've seen it happen several times.

Anyways, my freshman year was the year that the whole scandal with Larry Craig happened (the senator that got caught cruising for sex in an airport bathroom). Hearing about all of this got the wheels turning in my brain. I started wondering if there were places like that, cruisy spots where guys go to hook up, where I lived. So, I decided to search for them on the internet, and Lo and Behold, there were some. Not only in the town that my school is in, but the town where my parents live, as well as almost every larger city in the U.S. What was funny was that I had been to most of those places that this website talked about, but never knew that that kind of stuff went on there.So, I decided to go to one of these cruisy spots back in my hometown when I was home one weekend. I had no trouble finding it because the directions on the website were pretty clear. I drive back in this dirt road right by a park right after dark. There weren't any cars back there, so I turned around to leave, and as I was leaving a car passed me going back to the spot where stuff goes down. So, I turn my car back around and park a good 30 yards from him facing the other direction. I remember being SO nervous. My heart was racing. And I had no clue what to do.


THIS NEXT PART CONTAINS MATERIAL ABOUT SEX, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT SKIP DOWN TO THE LINE...

After sitting there for a couple minutes, he gets out of his car with just a shirt and shoes on and stands in front of his car jacking off. I can see all of this in my rearview mirror. At this point I was thinking, "this guy is nuts." A couple more minutes passed by, with my heart beating out of my chest, and my hands cold and shaky, until finally I said to myself, "get out of the car, if you don't right now, you wont." I got out of my car and leaned up against the side of it and undid my belt and unzipped my pants. The guy started walking over to me, I was so nervous and my throat was so dry that I could hardly talk, but I managed the words: "I'm kinda nervous, I've never done anything before." He said, "Oh! That's okay!" then proceeded to give me a bj. Right as he was finishing I saw headlights coming around the bend so I jumped in my car and almost peeled out trying to get out of there. I didn't notice it at the time, probably because I was so nervous, but he was a pretty hot guy, definitely my type.


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After that happened, I drove back to school. In my head it didn't even seem real, I felt like I had made the whole thing up. I thought that as soon as I had my first experience, maybe everything would calm down, but it didn't. I knew I was suppose to feel guilty and shameful for what I had done, but I felt free. It was exhilerating. I liked it, and knew I wanted to do it again.

More to come...

The first inkling

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were music pastors, and we moved around alot. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I could tell you about our experiences with some churches/pastors, but that's for another time. Anyways, my first inkling of knowing I was gay was when I was 11 years old, and in 5th grade. My family had just gotten a computer/internet, and I discovered Google. It was right before my brothers birthday party, and everyone else was preoccupied with getting things ready. I was in my parents bedroom, and was wondering what kind of websites there were. I typed in anything I could think of. Then I got the thought, "I wonder if there are any websites about nudists." I remember thinking before I typed it in, that it was rediculous, and there probably weren't any. Huh, was I wrong...lol. So I searched "nude websites." You can imagine what came up. I remember there was some pictures of naked guys by one of the sites, and I clicked it. I was in total shock, I couldn't believe that there were pictures like this on the internet. But at the same time, I thought it was incredible. I wanted to see more...

A couple days later when I was home alone, I searched again. I remember clicking on a website, I think it was called "Adultland." I printed the home page which was a collage of topless women, because I thought, "yeah, guys are suppose to like girls," but I wasn't attracted to any of them. I quickly tore it up because I knew I would be in BIG trouble if my mom ever found it.

At this point, I didn't know what homosexuality was. All I knew was that I liked looking at pictures of naked guys, and doing it gave me a really strange feeling. So, for a long time, I didn't think much of it, I just knew that looking at nudie pics was wrong, and I would be in a world of hurt if my parents found out.

When I finally started to comprehend what homosexuality was, I didn't associate myself with it. I kept looking at gay porn, but didn't see myself as gay. I even talked to one of my friends one time about it. We had gone to a Christian youth convention thing, and I told her I had a problem, that I looked at gay porn, but I told her that I wasn't gay. Her reaction was, "okay, then stop." Easier said then done.

All throughout high school I tried dating girls, but just wasn't interested. And I still looked at gay porn all the time. My christian cultured mind said I was going to hell, said that I could change and be healed from it. Because of this, I spent countless nights praying that God would take it from me, that he would make me straight. I hated the thought of admitting I was gay. I hated myself.

Everything started to change when I started college...


More to come...

Homosexuality and Christianity...

In my previous post, I may have sounded as though I am no longer religious, or hate religion. That's quite the opposite. I do believe in God, and I do see myself as a Christian. I believe that you can be gay and a Christian. It's not "God still loves me even though I'm gay," it's God Loves me. Period. It was a long and hard road to get to where I am now on my thoughts on all of this. I, as I know many other gay men, hated it at first, would give or do anything to be made straight. I remember countless nights lying awake in my bed praying for God to change me and forgive me for the thoughts that I had. But that's because I was influenced by what "the norm" of society is. But after really searching myself, and questioning what it was that I believed, I came to my conclusion. I have no convictions for who I am. Why should I? It wasn't a choice.

One thing that really helped me, and got the ball rolling on all of this is a book that my dad gave me when I came out to him (which will be in a future post) called The Children are Free by Jeff Miner and John Tyler Connoley. (here's the link to it: http://www.jesusmcc.org/resource/free.html ) I definitely recommend this book to anyone struggling with this issue, it changed my whole perspective.

So, anyways, I'm not saying I hate going to a Christian University, I love the school, it's just, I have to take things differently. I believe there are two kinds of Christians: the christians, and the real Christians. The christians are those that take every single word in the Bible totally literally. They are the ones who have been fed regurgitated religion all their lives from pastors who don't want you to think for yourself. They expect you to take their interpretation as complete truth, and tell you not to question anything. They are the ones that would give up the Jews hiding in the basement when the Nazi's come knocking because the Bible says not to lie. Then there are the real Christians. These are the ones who love, no matter what. They question. Everything. They find out for themselves what they believe, and why they believe it. They realize that in the Bible a few verses after it says "men do not lay with other men as you would a woman" it says "do not cut the hair on the sides of your head or shave your beards." They understand that much of the Bible was written for the culture of that time. They Don't condemn.

Even if I'm living in sin (which I don't believe I am), at least I know what I believe, and love, and act like what the Bible says Christians should be.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get all religious, but it's an important subject to me, and I know it's a touchy one.


Just so you know, I'll be going back and forth between what's currently going on in my life, and the experiences I've had over the last 3 years while coming to terms with who I am.

More to come...

Some background...

Where to start? Well, I've been going to an internationally known Christian University for the past 2 and a half years. I'm in my Junior year, and the 2nd semester just started a couple of weeks ago. When i was in high school choosing which college to go to, this was the natural choice. Most of my friends were already here, or applying, I had family that went here, and at the time, it was the "greatest idea I'd ever had." Lately though, I've had a different opinion.

Let me start out by saying, as you've probably guessed by now, that my school has a lot of rules. In fact, we have a list of them that we have to read through and sign at the beginning of each school year. Here are some things that are on it: no lying, stealing, cursing, cheating, no drug tobacco or alcohol use, no "engaging in any illicit, unscriptural sexual acts, which include any homosexual activity and sexual intercourse with one who is not my spouse through traditional marriage of one man and one woman," we're required to attend class and chapel, and there's a bunch of stuff about pledging ourselves to basically be "good little Christians" (or at least what the administration thinks "good little Christians" are). There is also a nightly curfew, dress code, required Health and Physical Education each semester, and you can't live off campus unless you are 25 or older, married, a part-time student, or your parents live within so many miles of the campus.

Here's the kicker: Homosexuality is not tolerated. If administration finds out you're gay, you're outta there. I know people that have been kicked out because of it. So, needless to say, I pretty much have to walk on eggshells all the time. Not that I'm flamboyant, I'm very straight acting, but it makes it difficult to go out, meet people, go to dinner with my boyfriend, etc.

more to come...