Sorry it's been so long, I know, I'm a bad blogger... but school has to come first, and with midterms, projects, and papers, well, ya know.
Anyways...
Have you ever had those times where someone says something to you, or does something that shakes you to the foundation, and makes you question everything you believe? I had one of those moments last week. I've said this before, but I spent a LONG time praying and searching myself to finally come to terms with being gay. I questioned everything I had been told, sought out my own beliefs, and the reasons behind them. I became strong in what I believed.
Last week I was confronted about being gay. More specifically about being gay, and being in the position I am at my school. It was by a group of guys in the same department as me, who have all become pretty close, and have started an accountability group with a staff person as a mentor. This all caught me COMPLETELY off guard, so much so, that I couldn't think clearly to answer most of their questions.
Let me just say, that I haven't felt "guilty" or "convicted" about being gay in a LONG time, but I have ever since they confronted me about it. It's shaken me up, and made me start thinking about it all again, and with it I can't help but think, "what if I'm wrong?" See, the thing is, is I know who I am, I know what I am. I also know what I'm called to do, and in their minds those things can't go together. If I tell them that I'm going to continue to be gay, I lose everything I've worked for, for the last 3 years. I lose future career contacts, endorsements, recommendations, etc. I lose everything I've battled for, and spent the last 10 years of my life dealing with, and coming to terms with.
My philosophy is No Regrets. After fighting myself for years, I've finally grown to love myself. I am who I am because of what I've been through. I can't change anything in the past, and wouldn't if I could, so why regret? (I'm not saying I'm proud of everything I've done, just, there's no point in regretting)
Anyways, I can't just give up everything that I've worked for, both at school, and in my personal life. I don't know what to do, as I see it right now, there's no explaining my way out of it, the only answer their going to take is that I'm going to "turn away" from being gay. I just don't know what to do...
Any suggestions, concerns, or comments would be appreciated.
More to come...
