Let sleeping dogs lie

No matter how much you think you do, you never really know someone. Best friends can turn out to be the worst of enemies, and people you would never expect anything from will surprise you in ways you couldn't imagine.

With the whole fiasco from last semester, about the rumors going around, and some of the staff/administration finding out I'm gay, it's actually turned out quite well.

I met with the heads of the department that I'm in at the beginning of the semester; I was totally expecting to be removed from my leadership position, if not kicked out of the department. What I didn't expect was for them to be so understanding and willing to talk with me. We met once a week for about a month and a half or so, and had a series of conversations about the issue of homosexuality and Christianity. Even though one of them self proclaimed that he is one of the most homophobic people you'll ever meet, he was very open to discussion, mainly, he said, because I was so open to talking with them. After much discussion, it boiled down to this: the differences in our beliefs was a matter of whether or not homosexuality is a sin. They believe, and probably always will, that it is a sin; and I, as you have read, believe it isn't. If I believed it was a sin, I would run from, and do everything I could to avoid it, as I would any other sin.

My journey is one for truth. I'm not saying I'm right, and I'm not saying I'm wrong. I'm saying that I'm on a continuous search for truth, in all things, and I believe things because I've questioned them. This is what I've come to believe, and just like I came to believe it, I can come to believe something different, and am always open to debate and questioning. How can you believe something without questioning? Without knowing?

Anyways, they decided to let me still be a part, per me having monthly meetings with them, and going to counseling. I decided to go along with it because I love the department, and being a part could hold great opportunities in the future. It's not "gay healing" counseling. It's just a therapist with no affiliation with the school. I figure I could use someone to talk to anyways. The other condition was that I not be in the "public eye" of the university for the department for a month, so that if rumors kept going around and questions asked, they could say that they dealt with it and that was why I hadn't been seen.

All is pretty much back to normal with school, and that whole situation. Now I'm just focusing on graduating and what I'm going to do after I'm done here...

...

I've decided to let sleeping dogs lie. My exes best friend, for some reason, absolutely hates me. I don't know why, because the breakup wasn't bad, and the ex and I have talked a lot lately and worked out everything; we're not getting back together, but we're at the point where we can be friends. Anyways, his best friend is causing all kinds of pointless bullshit drama. It's truly bizarre, and I'm pretty sure he's bipolar. Okay, okay, some of it might be because I've been hanging out with his ex recently. BUT, we're just hanging out, not dating. This guy gave his ex (the one I'm hanging out with) an ultimatum: that it was either be friends with him, or keep hanging out with me. He's "warned" us when he's going out to the bars, and has said some pretty crazy, outlandish things. He's tried to pull several power plays with his ex, and when they don't work he tries to start even more drama. He keeps saying how me and his ex hanging out is hurting my ex and whatnot, but I've talked with my ex and he could care less who I hang out with or what I do. I have NEVER had to deal with someone so immature. Oh, and the kicker is that he's a 44 year old grown-ass man. He's a 44 year old man acting like a 15 year old girl.

We think that he's causing all this drama because he expects his ex to be carrying a torch for him, and clearly he's not. What makes it so odd is that it was his choice to end the relationship, AND he had a month to talk and try to work it out, if he wanted to, during the month that they lived together after they broke up. He's the only one out of everyone involved that has a problem. We're all adults here, everyone's broken up, and free to do as they please. So what's the big deal?

So, I've decided to just let him be. If he's gonna act like a 15 year old girl, I'm just gonna let him. There's no point in trying to provoke or retaliate; it's not worth the time or energy, and I have MUCH better things to do.

More to come...

"It gets better"

This is just incredible. Truly inspiring.

Inner Strength

I've always been very independent. I'm introverted, but know how interact well with people, and can flip the switch to be extroverted (if I must...lol). I've always had a sense of inner strength, self reliance, and often trust myself over almost anyone. I like my "me time" and it's often necessary after being around tons of people on a regular basis.

It's so weird how being in a relationship changes everything, and then change must come again with being single. You grow to love someone, finding strength and reliance and trust in them. At first it's awkward to give those things over. You become a different person, at least, in the way you think; it's no longer "me," it's "us". They become so engrained into everyday life that when they no longer are, you long for that same feeling. That same sense of strength and reliance in another person.

Over the last three months I've had to learn how to be me, myself, and I, all over again. Get past the drama, get past the emotions, and get on with who I am. At first I was trying to date guys and jump into a relationship, but I'm glad that that hasn't happened because they wouldn't have gotten the real me.

About a week ago I realized that life does go on. That I'll be okay no matter what happens, and that I'm perfectly fine with being single. I'm getting back to that inner strength, that self reliance.

I've been out with a few guys that it was like after only a couple of dates I was "the one" and they "would follow me anywhere" and they "cried for a week when I didn't call them back".

Are we really that insecure and desperate that we HAVE to be with someone? The first guy I dated after my ex and I broke up, said something that a lot of guys need to get through their heads, "if you come to the realization that I'm not the one for you, it's okay, there's nothing I can do about it and I'll move on." I've been in that situation where I wanted to be with someone SO BAD, but I wasn't the one for them, and it's okay, that just means there's a better match out there.

Sorry, I don't mean to rant, but sometimes it gets a little ridiculous that guys HAVE to be with someone, and they move from relationship to relationship, and the same b.s. happens in every one of them because they don't realize that the common denominator is them because they haven't taken the time to find themselves.

Are we really that afraid of ourselves that we can't be single for any stretch of time?

I mean, I'll be honest, my biggest fear is growing old alone. But I'm not going to let that fuel me into jumping from relationship to relationship.

How can I give myself, my heart, my all to someone when I don't know who I am? I would hope that whoever I date out there would have the same respect for me.

Slow down. Chill out. Get to know yourself before you get to know someone else. You'll survive. I'll survive.

More to come...