Before college I had never drank, smoked, cursed, or had sex. Of course none of those things are really anything to brag about having done them, that's just the kind of life I had. The one thing I have against growing up in a Christian home with strict parents is that I never really saw the world for what it is. It's like I kind of grew up in a bubble. I wasn't the most sheltered kid in the world, but at the same time my mom FREAKED when she found out I had made a myspace when I was a sophomore in highschool, and grounded me for a month for using the internet without asking. I find that it's the same way at my school now. This place is a protected Christian bubble, where we don't really see what real life is, and we never have to deal with heavy issues that are suppose to shape our personalities and characters. I say we, but, I don't really count myself in with 90% of the people that go here. Remember what I said about there being 2 kinds of Christians? Well, I only associate myself with the real ones at my school, the ones that know that not everything is black and white. There are very few of us. These are my closest friends here. They know about me, and it doesn't make any difference to them. I feel bad for the kids that go here that went to private Christian schools all their lives, and are now going here. These are the kids that go off the deep end when the get into the real world, and finally have some freedom. I've seen it happen several times.
Anyways, my freshman year was the year that the whole scandal with Larry Craig happened (the senator that got caught cruising for sex in an airport bathroom). Hearing about all of this got the wheels turning in my brain. I started wondering if there were places like that, cruisy spots where guys go to hook up, where I lived. So, I decided to search for them on the internet, and Lo and Behold, there were some. Not only in the town that my school is in, but the town where my parents live, as well as almost every larger city in the U.S. What was funny was that I had been to most of those places that this website talked about, but never knew that that kind of stuff went on there.So, I decided to go to one of these cruisy spots back in my hometown when I was home one weekend. I had no trouble finding it because the directions on the website were pretty clear. I drive back in this dirt road right by a park right after dark. There weren't any cars back there, so I turned around to leave, and as I was leaving a car passed me going back to the spot where stuff goes down. So, I turn my car back around and park a good 30 yards from him facing the other direction. I remember being SO nervous. My heart was racing. And I had no clue what to do.
THIS NEXT PART CONTAINS MATERIAL ABOUT SEX, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT SKIP DOWN TO THE LINE...
After sitting there for a couple minutes, he gets out of his car with just a shirt and shoes on and stands in front of his car jacking off. I can see all of this in my rearview mirror. At this point I was thinking, "this guy is nuts." A couple more minutes passed by, with my heart beating out of my chest, and my hands cold and shaky, until finally I said to myself, "get out of the car, if you don't right now, you wont." I got out of my car and leaned up against the side of it and undid my belt and unzipped my pants. The guy started walking over to me, I was so nervous and my throat was so dry that I could hardly talk, but I managed the words: "I'm kinda nervous, I've never done anything before." He said, "Oh! That's okay!" then proceeded to give me a bj. Right as he was finishing I saw headlights coming around the bend so I jumped in my car and almost peeled out trying to get out of there. I didn't notice it at the time, probably because I was so nervous, but he was a pretty hot guy, definitely my type.
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After that happened, I drove back to school. In my head it didn't even seem real, I felt like I had made the whole thing up. I thought that as soon as I had my first experience, maybe everything would calm down, but it didn't. I knew I was suppose to feel guilty and shameful for what I had done, but I felt free. It was exhilerating. I liked it, and knew I wanted to do it again.
More to come...
It's beyond me why a Christian would go looking for anonymous sex. And a cruise park of all places. Cops regularly patrol those places. I know some guys who've been arrested for indecency and had their names in the paper. And another thing, you didn't know this man from a hole in the wall. He could have had an STD. He could have been a lunatic. He could have been cheating on his wife, and you were part of his plan.
ReplyDeleteSince you had access to the internet there are many sites, Christian and non Christian, for gay men to form frienships and relationships.
I suspect you had no feelings of guilt and shame because you had seen porn and you possibly thought this was what being gay was all about. It would have been better to have felt guilt and shame because it was lust, not love. You were like two animals who met in the woods, did it, and moved on.
Being gay is not about the sex acts we do. What you're describing is the stereotype that staight people have of gay men. For us Christians, sex is an expression of our love and respect for our partner in a monogamous relationship.
Okay, thanks mom.
ReplyDeleteYes. I know. What you don't seem to realize is that this story was from my PAST. When I first started coming to terms with being gay, I was confused. I had no clue what to do, or how to handle my feelings. Which is true about almost every gay man alive. I didn't know that there were sites, Christian and non-Christian, like you said, to form friendships and relationships. I was totally on my own. I pretty much always have been, I practically raised myself. We all go through stages in life that we may not be proud of. Am I proud that I use to go cruise in the parks, no? Am I going to regret it, no, because going through what I've gone through has shaped me into who I am today. If I hadn't had that experience then, I wouldn't be able to appreciate my experiences now.
As for the feeling I had afterward, I think it was more of liberating as in for the first time in my life I had experienced freedom, I wasn't piggy-backing on anyone elses experience, or being told what to do. It was one of the first times I felt like I had control of my life. Does that make sense?
I totally agree with you on your last paragraph. That is what I think and feel and believe NOW that I've gone through all the shit I've had to go through.