I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were music pastors, and we moved around alot. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I could tell you about our experiences with some churches/pastors, but that's for another time. Anyways, my first inkling of knowing I was gay was when I was 11 years old, and in 5th grade. My family had just gotten a computer/internet, and I discovered Google. It was right before my brothers birthday party, and everyone else was preoccupied with getting things ready. I was in my parents bedroom, and was wondering what kind of websites there were. I typed in anything I could think of. Then I got the thought, "I wonder if there are any websites about nudists." I remember thinking before I typed it in, that it was rediculous, and there probably weren't any. Huh, was I wrong...lol. So I searched "nude websites." You can imagine what came up. I remember there was some pictures of naked guys by one of the sites, and I clicked it. I was in total shock, I couldn't believe that there were pictures like this on the internet. But at the same time, I thought it was incredible. I wanted to see more...
A couple days later when I was home alone, I searched again. I remember clicking on a website, I think it was called "Adultland." I printed the home page which was a collage of topless women, because I thought, "yeah, guys are suppose to like girls," but I wasn't attracted to any of them. I quickly tore it up because I knew I would be in BIG trouble if my mom ever found it.
At this point, I didn't know what homosexuality was. All I knew was that I liked looking at pictures of naked guys, and doing it gave me a really strange feeling. So, for a long time, I didn't think much of it, I just knew that looking at nudie pics was wrong, and I would be in a world of hurt if my parents found out.
When I finally started to comprehend what homosexuality was, I didn't associate myself with it. I kept looking at gay porn, but didn't see myself as gay. I even talked to one of my friends one time about it. We had gone to a Christian youth convention thing, and I told her I had a problem, that I looked at gay porn, but I told her that I wasn't gay. Her reaction was, "okay, then stop." Easier said then done.
All throughout high school I tried dating girls, but just wasn't interested. And I still looked at gay porn all the time. My christian cultured mind said I was going to hell, said that I could change and be healed from it. Because of this, I spent countless nights praying that God would take it from me, that he would make me straight. I hated the thought of admitting I was gay. I hated myself.
Everything started to change when I started college...
More to come...
Interesting. "Prayers for Bobby" is a book and movie about a young man who tried to pray away being gay.
ReplyDeleteThere was no internet when I was a child. And there was no internet when I was 21. The trouble today is that young people are being exposed to porn at ages too young to comprehend what they're seeing. And they're imitating what they see in porn, which is not necessarily the way real life is. Porn is all about lust.
Christianity is about love. The best thing you can do for yourself as a Christian is to avoid porn because it's not about love. Live your life as a man. Not a gay man. Promiscuity is easy. Resisting temptation is a challenge.
I do agree with on certain things you've said: yes, kids are being exposed WAY too early, yes porn is just all about lust.
ReplyDeleteYour words, "live your life as a man. Not a gay man," I don't think you understand, this isn't a choice. No, I'm not gay because I looked at gay porn when I was 11 years old. I would be gay if I had never seen any porn at any time in my life. It's easy for a straight christian man to say, "well, just stop it, don't give in, you can live straight," trust me, if I could, I would. I would've never chosen to be gay... That's not to say I'm not proud of who I am. I love who I am. And for the promiscuity, believe you me, I know it's easy. I've been there, done that, and I can gladly say I'm done with that because it's gross and degrading (but that's for another blog post).
I think you might have misunderstood me, or just never had the chance to understand because I haven't posted about it yet. I do not find my identity in being gay. My sexual preference does not define who I am. I think all too many gays think that they have something to prove, and want to flaunt their gayness, and try to make as many people uncomfortable as possible to "prove a point." Just so you know, that's not me.
I understood what you were saying but thanks for clarifying it further. I realize you can't change, but I was stressing how crazy it is now with kids looking at porn at young ages. Everything you see doesn't have to be done. Before, kids were lucky if they could get their hands on a Playboy magazine.
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome your sexuality does not define you and you feel no need to flaunt it. You're a man, first and foremost, created by the Lord.
And you're right, promiscuity is disgusting, degrading and spreads diseases, one of which there is no cure. I hope you stay a Christian and don't feel being gay means you don't belong.
Take care!
dang i guess every religious gay or bi goes through this stage.
ReplyDeleteYeah, i think that's safe to say...
ReplyDeleteIf arodom is religious or a Christian it would be hard to believe. He's only 17 and follows a blog "PussyboiCumdump" which is extremely vile. Barebacking shows complete disrespect for one's body. This only reinforces what my earlier post said about porn influencing young people.
ReplyDeleteLet's not judge ;-)
ReplyDeleteBut I do agree that barebacking (outside of a monogamous relationship in which both trust each other, and have been tested) especially like this guy does, is disrespecting your body, not to mention how dangerous it is. This goes back to what I said earlier about some guys feeling like they have something to prove.
That's not judging. You know how many young guys read these blogs and think it's cool? I've read the comments on some and they're all acting like these barebackers are the best thing since sliced bread. And barebacking is bad whether you're in a monogamous relationship or not.
ReplyDelete