Confession #5

I get crazy deja vu all the time. Word for word, action for action...it kinda freaks me out.

Power Trip (A New Beginning)

So, here's the update on the two guys:

The one that drunkenly professed his love for me, turns out he's definitely not the kind of person I want to be with. I hung out with him over Thanksgiving break. He said that he didn't remember anything he said that night, just that he knew he was over the top. He asked me to be his date for his company's Christmas party on December 10th, I said yes. On the day of the Christmas party he tells me that his niece (he has partial custody of her) is sick, and he hates to leave her with a babysitter when she's sick. So, I go over to hang out with him and his lesbian friend at his house... We're drinking and talking and playing games, and an interesting topic comes up. They start talking about this couple that they know, and how one of them holds the "power" in the couple. That if they were to break up it would definitely be the one person, that they other one would do whatever he could to stay together, but the one would have the "power."

He goes on to say that this is the case in EVERY couple, gay or straight; in every couple, one person holds the "power," one person is submissive (in every aspect) and the other is dominant. He said that in his last relationship everyone was shocked when his boyfriend was the one who broke it off because everyone knew that he, not his boyfriend, was the one who held the power in their relationship.

I'm sitting there thinking, "yeah, this is NEVER gonna work."

What I want is a relationship, a partnership, an equal.

I didn't think of it at the time, but I should have asked him, "so, if we were in a relationship, which one of us would hold the power?"

When I left he told me to call him sometime. I didn't, so the thursday before Christmas he texts me...to ask me if I wanted to have a 3-way with him and his ex.

I was shocked! If this guy really was interested in dating me, he wouldn't be asking me to have a 3-way with him, let alone with him and his ex.

The kicker is that he couldn't understand why I said no, even after I explained it.

So, needless to say, I don't want any part of that.

The other guy, the one that I was kinda crazy about, he always said he was interested in me, BUT usually when you're interested in someone you want to talk to them and get to know them, right? Well, I couldn't ever get him to talk to me. He would only respond to messages that were just simply, "Hey, how's it going?" If I tried to talk about anything he would just stop responding. AND he's never initiated conversation.

So, needless to say, I'm not gonna put up with that.

With all of that said, I'm glad that it ended up this way because I met someone pretty special on New Years Eve. We had been chatting online for about 5 months, and decided to meet. We REALLY hit it off and are now dating. I'll write more about him later...

More to come...

Becoming

Most people don't like to think about the idea of "becoming."

The thought that everything we do, every decision we make plays a part in determining who we are, at the very core, sucks.

It's a lot easier to believe that we're just floating through life, and our actions have no repercussions; that we're not affected by the choices we make.

But we are beings, always growing, always learning, always becoming something.

I realize that everything I do, every choice I make, affects who I am becoming.

I've said before that my policy is "no regrets." And this still holds true. I've been through a lot in the short 22 years that I've been alive, and I wouldn't change one thing. Am I proud of some of the things I've done? No. But I know that going through those things has shaped me into who I am today. Life can't always be good, and sometimes the most important lessons are learned from the bad. I know a lot about who I want to be from the mistakes I've made. And I've made A LOT of them.

I love because I have hated.

I respect because I have taken advantage.

I'm kind because I have ridiculed.

I forgive because I need forgiveness.

I live because I have not.

I give because I have been selfish.

I'm thankful because I have squandered.

I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to be the best me that I can be. I can only be me. And I pray that I will continue to become a better me.