Sorry it's been so long, I know, I'm a bad blogger... but school has to come first, and with midterms, projects, and papers, well, ya know.
Anyways...
Have you ever had those times where someone says something to you, or does something that shakes you to the foundation, and makes you question everything you believe? I had one of those moments last week. I've said this before, but I spent a LONG time praying and searching myself to finally come to terms with being gay. I questioned everything I had been told, sought out my own beliefs, and the reasons behind them. I became strong in what I believed.
Last week I was confronted about being gay. More specifically about being gay, and being in the position I am at my school. It was by a group of guys in the same department as me, who have all become pretty close, and have started an accountability group with a staff person as a mentor. This all caught me COMPLETELY off guard, so much so, that I couldn't think clearly to answer most of their questions.
Let me just say, that I haven't felt "guilty" or "convicted" about being gay in a LONG time, but I have ever since they confronted me about it. It's shaken me up, and made me start thinking about it all again, and with it I can't help but think, "what if I'm wrong?" See, the thing is, is I know who I am, I know what I am. I also know what I'm called to do, and in their minds those things can't go together. If I tell them that I'm going to continue to be gay, I lose everything I've worked for, for the last 3 years. I lose future career contacts, endorsements, recommendations, etc. I lose everything I've battled for, and spent the last 10 years of my life dealing with, and coming to terms with.
My philosophy is No Regrets. After fighting myself for years, I've finally grown to love myself. I am who I am because of what I've been through. I can't change anything in the past, and wouldn't if I could, so why regret? (I'm not saying I'm proud of everything I've done, just, there's no point in regretting)
Anyways, I can't just give up everything that I've worked for, both at school, and in my personal life. I don't know what to do, as I see it right now, there's no explaining my way out of it, the only answer their going to take is that I'm going to "turn away" from being gay. I just don't know what to do...
Any suggestions, concerns, or comments would be appreciated.
More to come...
That's both alarming and discouraging. I hadn't realized from your previous entries that you were even out-ish on campus. Given the implications of being found in violation of the university's code of conduct, I'd pretend to be a bit more conflicted about being gay, and hope to squeak thru the rest of your time there under the radar. Be honest with God, not with the jackasses in the "Accountability Group".
ReplyDeleteUnless your goal is to get a job working for a Republican politician, a recommendation from someone at a conservative Christian university will not get you far. Most normal employers value a college education for the critical thinking skills it develops; these tend to be lacking in graduates from intellectually homogeneous religious colleges. Don't sweat the piece of paper.
John
Do what you need to do to keep the people in this "accountability group" placated for the rest of the semester. I am not anti-ORU, anti-Christian, etc., but I feel you need to seriously consider transferring to a different university. Be true to your relationship with God. Leave his misguided followers and their silly rules behind.
ReplyDeleteNo matter who interprets the Bible, everyone agrees that lying is bad. If these people put you in a position to lie to yourself (and subsequently them) about WHO you are, then they are asking you to be ungodly. The best solution is to remove yourself from that situation.
You aren't going to stop being gay. You aren't going to change their minds that being gay is OK. Transfer to a different university. You will make new contacts there. Good luck to you, bud!
-Don
A few questions:
ReplyDelete(1) Are you friendly with any of the guys in the accountability group (AG)?
(2) How did the AG come to know that you are gay? (Like John, I had mistakenly thought that you were closeted as regards your collegiate life.)
(3) Do you think that any of the guys in the AG might be "reachable"? Might you, through your example and witness, nudge any of them towards being more gay-friendly?
(4) What about the staffer/mentor? How well do you know him? Might he privately disagree with the university's stance on gays? Or is he fully on board with their anti-gay stance?
(5) Like John, I'm inclined to believe that your best course is to tell the AG what they want to hear and "fly under the radar" for the remainder of your college years. Is this even an option?
(6) Lastly, and importantly, do you have people you can lean on for support in this difficult time? Always remember that there are folks out here who are rooting for you.
RL
Thanks for the comments guys.
ReplyDeleteRL:
(1) Not real sure what you mean by friendly, but I've been friends with one of them since about 8th grade, and another one for a couple of years, and we were roommates last semester (he moved off campus this semester).
(2)They found out because of "rumors that have been going around" that's all that they said.
(3) There is a strong possibility. My friend that is in the AG,the one that was my roommate and is one of my best friends, has known that I'm gay for about a year now. He's been totally cool about it ever since I've told him. We talked for a while after the meeting, one on one, and he told me that the other guys had asked him about me, and that he denied that I was gay, His reasons being that it's a touchy subject (especially at our school) and that he wanted to protect me. As for the others, I definitely think that with conversation, and them actually getting to know me and what I believe, they'll probably come around.
(4) I don't know him too well, but from the amount I have talked with him, and his comments that he made that night, I am totally confident that he's not going to tell upper admin, to get me kicked out. In this situation I can tell it's going to be more of him wanting to help me "get better."
(5) I don't know that this is an option. If I'm guessing right, there's going to be follow up, and questioning of where I am all the time, and random phonecalls for "just checking on me."
(6)Yes, I have really great friends who have become more family than my actual family over the last year. And thank you, that's really encouraging to hear :-)
(1) Forming the accountability group was OK. Asking you if you wanted to join them would've been OK. But more or less letting you know that they were holding you to account for your sexual orientation - that ain't so cool. Struck me as downright hostile. Hence I wondered if these guys were friendly or not.
ReplyDelete(2) So did you confirm, deny, or leave it up in the air? I sure don't blame you for feeling blindsided.
(3) The former roommate sounds like a good guy. And I hope you're right that you can bring the others around. I think you want to be very careful here, though. If any one of the AG is looking for a change of heart on your part, and instead he sees that you're looking for a change of heart on his part, how does he react to that?
(4) The staffer/mentor sounds like an all right guy, but same question goes double for him. How does he react when you're being told to repent and you respond with "let's have a dialogue about this"?
(5) Well, fly under the radar as much as you can, anyway. And where it's imperative to protect your privacy, I wouldn't hesitate, if I were you, to mislead the AG or even to outright lie to 'em. If you can, arrange it so that the former roommate is the main inquisitor.
(6) I always worry about guys having a support system in place. I know that loneliness hurt me a heck of a lot more than slurs ever did when I was college-aged.
RL
It did seem a bit hostile, I know that's not where their hearts were, but it still came off that way nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI confirmed, but left it very open-ended. Like I said, I was totally caught off guard and couldn't really answer questions, which turns out to be a good thing, cuz now I've had a few weeks to think about it.
You're right, I don't know how they will react to "discussion" about it. I guess all I can do is tell them what I'm going through, and what I'm feeling (very carefully and selectively) and go from there.
I don't think it's gonna be possible to fly under the radar, I found out just today that more rumors than I thought have been going around, and there's no telling who knows, and what they think they know. I found out that one of them was that I have been running an escort service on the weekends haHA!
I think you've got the right strategy for dealing with this, hopefully you can help the AG guys see what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteThe crazy but obviously false rumors probably work to your advantage in a way - they make crazy but actually true rumors seem less believable. As I told you earlier, if the occasional fib is necessary to protect your privacy, I wouldn't be the least bit hesitant if I were you.
One other thing - it's possible that this blog is known or at least suspected to be yours by the AG. So keep that in the back of your mind whenever you post anything.
Good luck,
RL
Just my opinion, I think the less you post about yourself online the better off you'll be. I found this site via a link you posted on a forum in which you've described in a very graphic manner details of your past and present sex life. (how you meet guys, what sites you use, how much older they are, what you do with them sexually). Computer savvy people can most likely figure out what university you're going to and what you're majoring in based on your profile here. Sometimes less is more.
ReplyDeleteSean
Sean:
ReplyDeleteThank you for your concern, I am fully aware of all of that.