There comes a point

There comes a point when you realize that you have to stop being what everyone else expects and wants you to be, and just be yourself. There comes a point when you realize that you have to stop doing what everyone else expects and wants you to do, and just do what you want to do.

All I can say about this is that I'm going to shock and piss off a lot of people here pretty soon...

How much we don't know...

Graduation is in 11 days.

It's kinda hard to believe that I've come this far. It seems like it was just a couple of months ago that I was moving into the dorms for the first time as a shy freshman. It amazes me how much I've grown up, how much I've learned; but it amazes me even more to think of how far I still have to go, and how much I don't know. I think that being smart isn't as much about how much you know, but more of knowing how much you don't know.

A couple weeks ago I found out that one of my friends was going around badmouthing me to other people--talking to them about how I'm gay and what I want to do with my life. This kid came to me last semester because he was struggling with being gay and going to our Christian university. I took it as an opportunity to mentor him. I didn't tell him if he should be gay, or try to pray it away or anything; I just told him what I have gone through, and where I am today in hopes that it would give him an idea on what he should do.

He was doing some pretty risky things on and off campus. I told him over and over to be careful, that he could have fun, just don't do anything on campus, and DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE that he is gay. I told him about my ordeal where people were making up rumors and spreading them all over campus, and I didn't want the same thing to happen to him. I thought it was pretty clear when I emphasized not to tell people about him, that he shouldn't tell people about me, but some people just don't get it.

Anyways, one of my other friends came and told me that this guy was talking about me, this was right before my senior recital so I decided to just let it go for a while and deal with it after my recital. I messaged him on facebook over spring break and decided to go easy on him...this time. I told him that I had worked too hard, and come too far to let some stupid little freshman with a big mouth ruin everything for me; and how dare he badmouth ME when he came to me for help and advice...especially when he's going through the same thing.

It never ceases to amaze me how people will be the first to point out someone else's problems, when they're dealing with the exact same thing. I guess they think that if they draw attention to someone else it will take the focus off of themselves and their own problems.

Why can't we be honest with ourselves? Why can't we face our problems head on? Is it fear? It shouldn't be...everyone deals with something.

Confession #7

I like quiet overcast/rainy days better than sunny days...

I'll Tell You till You Do

You don't see yourself the way I do when you look into my eyes

You smile at me and my soul fills with light

at just the sight of you.

You've been laughed at with superficial eyes too many times before

till you felt like you should quit and shut the door

on hope of something real.

You're beautiful,

so beautiful,

and I know you don't believe me yet,

so I'll tell you till you do.

You're so afraid of letting go of all that you have held on to

and letting someone love you just because you're you

the way it's supposed to be.

You're stricken with uncertainty if my words really hold the truth

but I've never been more sure of how I feel, it's true

oh darling I love you.

I love you,

I love you,

and I know you don't believe me yet,

so I'll keep telling you till you do.

I know that you're not perfect,

I wouldn't want you to be,

but I know that you're the perfect one for me.

You're beautiful,

so beautiful,

and I know you don't believe me yet,

so I'll tell you till you do.

I am still every age...

I came across this quote today, I don't know who wrote it, but it rings true...

"I am still every age that I have been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child. Because I was once a searching adolescent, given to moods and ecstasies, these are still part of me, and always will be. This does not mean that I ought to be trapped or enclosed in any of these ages, but that they are in me to be drawn on; to forget is a form of suicide."

Confession #6

I'm about to graduate with a degree in music, but the music industry terrifies me.

Time for an update!

I've been dating the most incredible man! We chatted online for about five months and met once in October (which was a flop), but decided to meet again on New Year's Eve and really hit it off. We've been together since then, and I'm more amazed by him everyday. He challenges me to be a better man and makes me smile without even trying. He lives about an hour and a half away, so we trade off driving to see each other on the weekends. We had an incredible Valentine's weekend, and the L word just might've slipped a couple of times on both our parts :-)

I can't wait to see where we go in life!

Confession #5

I get crazy deja vu all the time. Word for word, action for action...it kinda freaks me out.

Power Trip (A New Beginning)

So, here's the update on the two guys:

The one that drunkenly professed his love for me, turns out he's definitely not the kind of person I want to be with. I hung out with him over Thanksgiving break. He said that he didn't remember anything he said that night, just that he knew he was over the top. He asked me to be his date for his company's Christmas party on December 10th, I said yes. On the day of the Christmas party he tells me that his niece (he has partial custody of her) is sick, and he hates to leave her with a babysitter when she's sick. So, I go over to hang out with him and his lesbian friend at his house... We're drinking and talking and playing games, and an interesting topic comes up. They start talking about this couple that they know, and how one of them holds the "power" in the couple. That if they were to break up it would definitely be the one person, that they other one would do whatever he could to stay together, but the one would have the "power."

He goes on to say that this is the case in EVERY couple, gay or straight; in every couple, one person holds the "power," one person is submissive (in every aspect) and the other is dominant. He said that in his last relationship everyone was shocked when his boyfriend was the one who broke it off because everyone knew that he, not his boyfriend, was the one who held the power in their relationship.

I'm sitting there thinking, "yeah, this is NEVER gonna work."

What I want is a relationship, a partnership, an equal.

I didn't think of it at the time, but I should have asked him, "so, if we were in a relationship, which one of us would hold the power?"

When I left he told me to call him sometime. I didn't, so the thursday before Christmas he texts me...to ask me if I wanted to have a 3-way with him and his ex.

I was shocked! If this guy really was interested in dating me, he wouldn't be asking me to have a 3-way with him, let alone with him and his ex.

The kicker is that he couldn't understand why I said no, even after I explained it.

So, needless to say, I don't want any part of that.

The other guy, the one that I was kinda crazy about, he always said he was interested in me, BUT usually when you're interested in someone you want to talk to them and get to know them, right? Well, I couldn't ever get him to talk to me. He would only respond to messages that were just simply, "Hey, how's it going?" If I tried to talk about anything he would just stop responding. AND he's never initiated conversation.

So, needless to say, I'm not gonna put up with that.

With all of that said, I'm glad that it ended up this way because I met someone pretty special on New Years Eve. We had been chatting online for about 5 months, and decided to meet. We REALLY hit it off and are now dating. I'll write more about him later...

More to come...

Becoming

Most people don't like to think about the idea of "becoming."

The thought that everything we do, every decision we make plays a part in determining who we are, at the very core, sucks.

It's a lot easier to believe that we're just floating through life, and our actions have no repercussions; that we're not affected by the choices we make.

But we are beings, always growing, always learning, always becoming something.

I realize that everything I do, every choice I make, affects who I am becoming.

I've said before that my policy is "no regrets." And this still holds true. I've been through a lot in the short 22 years that I've been alive, and I wouldn't change one thing. Am I proud of some of the things I've done? No. But I know that going through those things has shaped me into who I am today. Life can't always be good, and sometimes the most important lessons are learned from the bad. I know a lot about who I want to be from the mistakes I've made. And I've made A LOT of them.

I love because I have hated.

I respect because I have taken advantage.

I'm kind because I have ridiculed.

I forgive because I need forgiveness.

I live because I have not.

I give because I have been selfish.

I'm thankful because I have squandered.

I'm not perfect, I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to be the best me that I can be. I can only be me. And I pray that I will continue to become a better me.