Confession #4

The quickest way to drive me absolutely crazy, is to not respond to my messages (especially when we've been texting, and then just... no response).

Things to do (and continue doing)

Slow down.

Buy a new hat.

Love, and let people know I love them.

Cover the windows and sleep in.

Sing in the shower.

Masturbate (and not feel guilty).

Learn.

Don't take shit from anyone, for any reason.

Stay up all night because there's nothing better to do.

Call or text at least one friend a day, if for nothing more than to just say "Hey."

Create.

Enjoy sex; make love.

Never break character.

Try new things.

Spend more time outside.

Question everything.

Relax and smoke some pipe tobacco.

Stand up for myself and my beliefs.

Be open to suggestions/change.

Love my body.

Explore.

Confession #3

I'm a sucker for the small things; holding hands in the car, a text message saying I'm being thought of, talking on the phone till I'm barely awake, a hand on my knee under the table at dinner, a wink out in public.

The Drunken Truth

I've been wondering, and asking myself all day if people really tell the truth when they're drunk. By that I mean, are we more honest about ourselves and the way we feel when we're drunk? I ask this skeptically even though I know that I get this way when I drink. My inhibitions dissolve and I'm much more likely to talk about things that I would never talk about, do things that I would never do, say the truth that I would never say...

On saturday I was home working with my dad, and I decided to call up an old friend and see if he wanted to hang out. I say 'old friend' but it's a lot more than just that. I met him about 2 and a half years ago, and was pretty crazy about him for a while, but he wouldn't give me the time of day. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, so we left it at that. We became friends and have hung out every now and then whenever I'm back home for a few days. Although, I still find him very attractive...lol

So anyways, I call him up saturday night, and he invites me to meet him and some of his friends out at this bar/lounge place that I had never been to. When I get there it's just him and one other guy sitting there, and as soon as I sit down the other guy says, "well, I better get going, I'll leave you two alone." I was a bit confused at this, but didn't give it much thought.

We're sitting there with some beers, catching up, listening to the fantastic two person band, and after a little while, he starts in.

He tells me he loves me.

I'm like, "You're drunk."

He says, "Yeah, I am, but it's not the alcohol talking, I love you."

I don't really know what to say, and still don't believe him.

He goes on about how he's tired of running around, and is ready for a relationship, and how whenever he's thinking about it all it always comes back to me, and when he sees me he feels like I'm the one.

Now I really don't know what to say.

He goes further and apologizes for all the shit he's put me through, and the way he treated me way back when, and keeps telling me that he loves me.

I'm like, "You're serious, aren't you?"

He says, "Yes, I love you."

I tell him that he doesn't even really know me.

He says, "Are you really gonna say that? I know enough to know that I love you..."

He goes on saying, "Let's do this, let's be together, I'll commit to you right now, no one else but you. I'll do anything to prove it to you..."

This goes on for quite a while, and we are continuing to become more and more inebriated. He's too drunk to drive, and I'm a little buzzed but fine to drive so I take him home. The whole time he's asking me to stay the night, that he wants me there, that he needs me there.

First thing: I REALLY wish I could have stayed the night with him BUT I was in my moms car and she needed it in the morning, plus I had to work with my dad the next morning and all my stuff was at my moms

Second thing: I'm REALLY glad I had that excuse because I'm kinda crazy about this guy back home, and there's a chance that it could go somewhere.

I'm texting the guy I'm interested in telling him what all has happened (because it came out of nowhere, and was still kind of in shock).

I'll give you some background on our deal before I tell you his response and what all happened there...

So, I've known/had a crush on this guy, we'll call him Joe, for about a year and a half or so. I actually met him through my ex. We've been talking/casually dating for a few months now since the breakup. I was working on a post about him and our situation BUT then this happened, so I'll give you the condensed version.

I can't stop thinking about him. I know that I would fall hard for him if given the chance. We are both DEFINITELY attracted to each other, and there's no denying that we have chemistry. BUT, he's hung up on the age difference. There's 22 years between us; it doesn't matter to me, but it kind of does to him. He says that I should go out and experience life, do the things I can only do when I'm young, go out and "lick a lot of lollipops"...

In one way, I agree with him. I have a wild streak that wants to take off and go and not look back. But then again, I think: wouldn't it be better to experience life, and do those things With someone? I'm not a big fan of sampling the candy store...I'd much rather find my favorite flavor and stick with it, if you know what I mean...

I've spent the night with him a couple of times, but nothing ever happened because we're both the type that if it were to get physical, it'll quickly get emotional, and for now he doesn't want that because of the age thing.

SO, back to the other story:

I'm texting him what all is going on, and when I tell him that I dropped the guy off at his house, Joe says, "You should've stayed with him! Why didn't you stay?!"

I responded with, "YOU! I'm freakin' crazy about you!"

At this point I was just drunk enough that I let everything out. I told him all the feelings I had for him, I sent him the email that I had had typed up for weeks but hadn't quite found the courage to send yet.

I had just bled the drunken truth.

By then I was too drunk and tired to talk, and he was ambiened, so we left it to talk the next day. The next day he basically said that we need to sit down and talk and figure out what's gonna happen. Which is what he's been saying for months now. I'm kind of getting tired of being pushed around, being put off, especially after I've told him how I feel, and that I want to be with him.

So, now I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to hang out and talk with the old friend who professed his love for me when I'm back home for thanksgiving. I guess we'll see how it goes...

More to come...

Confession #2

My sophomore year of college I took a class just because I had a crush on the professor.

One For a Season

Last night one of my friends asked me, "how do you know when you've found that someone special?" So I told him how I felt the last time it happened for me. I told him it's the feeling of absolute excitement to see that you have a text message or email from the person; thinking about them all the time; don't mind being late if it means getting to spend a few more moments with them; want to know everything about them; want to spend as much time as possible with them; get butterflies when you see a picture of them, or your phone rings and it's them.

This got me thinking about love. How do you know when you're in love? How do you know if you've been in love? Is there some sign? Some feeling, or thought? Does love last forever? And if it does, then when you break up with someone you thought you loved, was it actually love?

I don't know.

I can't say for sure.

This also got me thinking about my ex. I know I loved him. Us breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it's taken a lot for me to stick to my guns. I know I loved him because I've never cried over someone before. I know I loved him because seeing him out with his new bf killed me. The thought that someone could make him happier tore me up. I know, that's selfish. When you're not the one, you're not the one. When your hearts don't quite fit together, there's nothing you can do. Sometimes the person you fall in love with isn't the person you're meant to be with forever.

Just like there are seasons in life, there are people you need for just a season. Some help you grow, some keep you stable, some are there to show you that the next season will be even better. There are many "one"s that we're meant for, just not forever.

He was my "one" for that season, and I'll always be thankful for the season I had him.

I'm not the kind that thinks the time with an ex was wasted. I learned a lot about myself, about who I want to be, about the kind of person I want to be with; all of the above is a constant search, ever-changing, as I am becoming who I'm supposed to be.

All I can say is that I hope to someday find the "one" who's meant for forever; and I hope that all of the "one"s from the past prepared me to love him the way he needs, to be the perfect person that fits his heart effortlessly.

More to come...

Confession #1

I wish I was small so I could climb/hide in trees again. That was my favorite thing to do when I was little...

Missing you...

It's been almost four months since the breakup. I'm trying to move on the best that I can, but to be honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. Yeah we had our problems, and he had his flaws, but who wants perfection? That would be so boring.

I've held others, but find myself wanting nothing more than to just hold him again, if only for one more night. It makes me question if this is what's right, if this is what's best. Call me overdramatic, but I really do wonder if I'll ever feel like that towards another person.

It's days like today that I find myself missing him. A beautiful day for a walk by the river... A quiet evening at home... A cool crisp night, perfect for a fire in the backyard...

But lately I've been asking myself, "is it him that I'm missing? or is it having someone there everyday, someone to go through life with, to share life with, that I'm missing?" Yes, I love him, and I'll probably always have some kind of love for him, but If I could change things and get back with him, would I? That's a tough question. After everything I've gone through I can't say that I would. Yeah, we could work through the problems that caused the breakup, but there are other things that I found out after we split that I don't think I could get past...

So I guess with that said, it's the 'having someone there' that I miss. Having that someone special to flirt with, act goofy with, cuddle, hold. It's not him that I miss, it's the idea of him that I miss. But I'm not saying that I'm not okay with being single, I'm actually kind of enjoying it (for now...lol). Really, I'm too busy right now with school and everything to get involved with anyone (although there is someone that's caught my eye). I'm just having a good time dating a few guys, waiting for that one that's caught my eye to come around. I'll write more about that in another post.

However there still are the times that I'll see or hear something that reminds me of him and I'll reminisce about the time we had together. I'll always cherish that time. I can honestly say that I'm a better man for loving him the way I did.

More to come...

Let sleeping dogs lie

No matter how much you think you do, you never really know someone. Best friends can turn out to be the worst of enemies, and people you would never expect anything from will surprise you in ways you couldn't imagine.

With the whole fiasco from last semester, about the rumors going around, and some of the staff/administration finding out I'm gay, it's actually turned out quite well.

I met with the heads of the department that I'm in at the beginning of the semester; I was totally expecting to be removed from my leadership position, if not kicked out of the department. What I didn't expect was for them to be so understanding and willing to talk with me. We met once a week for about a month and a half or so, and had a series of conversations about the issue of homosexuality and Christianity. Even though one of them self proclaimed that he is one of the most homophobic people you'll ever meet, he was very open to discussion, mainly, he said, because I was so open to talking with them. After much discussion, it boiled down to this: the differences in our beliefs was a matter of whether or not homosexuality is a sin. They believe, and probably always will, that it is a sin; and I, as you have read, believe it isn't. If I believed it was a sin, I would run from, and do everything I could to avoid it, as I would any other sin.

My journey is one for truth. I'm not saying I'm right, and I'm not saying I'm wrong. I'm saying that I'm on a continuous search for truth, in all things, and I believe things because I've questioned them. This is what I've come to believe, and just like I came to believe it, I can come to believe something different, and am always open to debate and questioning. How can you believe something without questioning? Without knowing?

Anyways, they decided to let me still be a part, per me having monthly meetings with them, and going to counseling. I decided to go along with it because I love the department, and being a part could hold great opportunities in the future. It's not "gay healing" counseling. It's just a therapist with no affiliation with the school. I figure I could use someone to talk to anyways. The other condition was that I not be in the "public eye" of the university for the department for a month, so that if rumors kept going around and questions asked, they could say that they dealt with it and that was why I hadn't been seen.

All is pretty much back to normal with school, and that whole situation. Now I'm just focusing on graduating and what I'm going to do after I'm done here...

...

I've decided to let sleeping dogs lie. My exes best friend, for some reason, absolutely hates me. I don't know why, because the breakup wasn't bad, and the ex and I have talked a lot lately and worked out everything; we're not getting back together, but we're at the point where we can be friends. Anyways, his best friend is causing all kinds of pointless bullshit drama. It's truly bizarre, and I'm pretty sure he's bipolar. Okay, okay, some of it might be because I've been hanging out with his ex recently. BUT, we're just hanging out, not dating. This guy gave his ex (the one I'm hanging out with) an ultimatum: that it was either be friends with him, or keep hanging out with me. He's "warned" us when he's going out to the bars, and has said some pretty crazy, outlandish things. He's tried to pull several power plays with his ex, and when they don't work he tries to start even more drama. He keeps saying how me and his ex hanging out is hurting my ex and whatnot, but I've talked with my ex and he could care less who I hang out with or what I do. I have NEVER had to deal with someone so immature. Oh, and the kicker is that he's a 44 year old grown-ass man. He's a 44 year old man acting like a 15 year old girl.

We think that he's causing all this drama because he expects his ex to be carrying a torch for him, and clearly he's not. What makes it so odd is that it was his choice to end the relationship, AND he had a month to talk and try to work it out, if he wanted to, during the month that they lived together after they broke up. He's the only one out of everyone involved that has a problem. We're all adults here, everyone's broken up, and free to do as they please. So what's the big deal?

So, I've decided to just let him be. If he's gonna act like a 15 year old girl, I'm just gonna let him. There's no point in trying to provoke or retaliate; it's not worth the time or energy, and I have MUCH better things to do.

More to come...

"It gets better"

This is just incredible. Truly inspiring.

Inner Strength

I've always been very independent. I'm introverted, but know how interact well with people, and can flip the switch to be extroverted (if I must...lol). I've always had a sense of inner strength, self reliance, and often trust myself over almost anyone. I like my "me time" and it's often necessary after being around tons of people on a regular basis.

It's so weird how being in a relationship changes everything, and then change must come again with being single. You grow to love someone, finding strength and reliance and trust in them. At first it's awkward to give those things over. You become a different person, at least, in the way you think; it's no longer "me," it's "us". They become so engrained into everyday life that when they no longer are, you long for that same feeling. That same sense of strength and reliance in another person.

Over the last three months I've had to learn how to be me, myself, and I, all over again. Get past the drama, get past the emotions, and get on with who I am. At first I was trying to date guys and jump into a relationship, but I'm glad that that hasn't happened because they wouldn't have gotten the real me.

About a week ago I realized that life does go on. That I'll be okay no matter what happens, and that I'm perfectly fine with being single. I'm getting back to that inner strength, that self reliance.

I've been out with a few guys that it was like after only a couple of dates I was "the one" and they "would follow me anywhere" and they "cried for a week when I didn't call them back".

Are we really that insecure and desperate that we HAVE to be with someone? The first guy I dated after my ex and I broke up, said something that a lot of guys need to get through their heads, "if you come to the realization that I'm not the one for you, it's okay, there's nothing I can do about it and I'll move on." I've been in that situation where I wanted to be with someone SO BAD, but I wasn't the one for them, and it's okay, that just means there's a better match out there.

Sorry, I don't mean to rant, but sometimes it gets a little ridiculous that guys HAVE to be with someone, and they move from relationship to relationship, and the same b.s. happens in every one of them because they don't realize that the common denominator is them because they haven't taken the time to find themselves.

Are we really that afraid of ourselves that we can't be single for any stretch of time?

I mean, I'll be honest, my biggest fear is growing old alone. But I'm not going to let that fuel me into jumping from relationship to relationship.

How can I give myself, my heart, my all to someone when I don't know who I am? I would hope that whoever I date out there would have the same respect for me.

Slow down. Chill out. Get to know yourself before you get to know someone else. You'll survive. I'll survive.

More to come...

An update

I know, I know, it's been too long since I've posted...

A lot has happened.
Good things.
Bad things.
Gah, that's lame. Let me start over.

A lot of life has happened. I'll give bits and pieces here and there because school is overwhelming right now, but I just need to manage my time better...lol.
First things first, I'm single now. It's complicated. It sucks. But I think it's for the best. It happened mid July, not long after my last post. Moved back home for a couple of weeks, until school started back up again.
School's in full swing, and I'm living off campus this year! Hallemalujah! I had to petition to get to live off campus because the only way I could pay for school and graduate on time was to be able to live on my own, and thankfully the deans approved it. And I have to say, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me! I was SO ready to be out of the dorms. They were fun the first couple of years of college, but I'm at the point where I need some independence (and my own room). I'm renting a room from a gay couple that I've known for awhile. It's been great so far, they're great guys.

Well, it's getting late, and I have 2 tests tomorrow.

More to come...

Coming out to my dad

I have an interesting relationship with my father. We've gotten closer over the last year than we ever have been, all due to me coming out to him. Oh yeah, I should probably mention that he's gay too. My mom found out that he was cheating on her with a guy and found porn on the computer, so she asked him to move out the summer after my freshman year of highschool (I tried to come out to my mom around this time, but it didn't really work, all that will be in another post). This was LONG before I came to terms with myself (back when I hated myself and thought it was a sin) and I hated him for what he had done. I mean, yeah he could have gone about the whole situation in a better way, but we all make mistakes. Anyways, my mom is the one who told my brother and I why my dad was moving out, and she told us that he was gay, and she tried to get him to go to counseling and save the marriage, but he wouldn't. My dad never knew that I knew exactly why he got kicked out of the house. But I'm sure his gaydar knew I was gay too...

Spring break of 2009 I met a guy on bear411, and we started dating. We lived about 4 hours apart, so we would switch off every weekend driving to see each other. We had been dating for a couple of weeks, and I had this competition thing and he decided to drive down early to see me compete. I decide that that would be a good time to come out to my dad, and introduce him to my boyfriend (I knew he would be okay with it, I mean afterall he is gay too). So, we all went out to eat before my competition and I introduced them. My dad said he had a feeling that it was a boyfriend, when I told him that I had someone for him to meet. It went really well.

After my competition thing was over, and before my dad left to go back home, he told me that he had had a feeling what all of this was about, and that he had a book to give me, The Children Are Free. I've told you about this book in a previous post. It's a great book that goes through the bible and explains all of the verses about homosexuality. It really helped me alot.

So, that's how I came out to my dad. The guy I was dating, and introduced to my dad, and I broke up a couple weeks later (that's a whole other story in itself).

I'd say I'm pretty lucky to have a dad that is gay, and understands what I'm going through. I've heard stories of people coming out to their parents, and the reactions were all over the spectrum, from being loving and accepting and nothing changing, to disowning and never speaking again. My mom still doesn't know I'm gay, although I have a feeling that deep inside she knows and just doesn't want to admit it.

Like I said, my dad and I are pretty close now and talk often, I enjoy getting to spend time with him and his partner, and they both approve of mine.


More to come...

Friends

The other day, I told my boyfriend that I had plans to go out for drinks with one of my friends, he was fine with it, at first. I got home pretty late, and he was already in bed, but the next morning I could tell that he was upset about something. Eventually I got it out of him that he was upset that I went out with my friend and that I didn't ask him if he wanted to go with us. Here's the thing: he's 16 years older than me, I figured that he probably didn't want to go out with a couple of twenty-somethings and sit there while we talked and caught up on life. I made the point that he didn't know her, and we were just going out to talk and catch up, and he made a big deal about how he's made an effort for me to meet all of his friends, BUT I have tons of friends and if I made an effort for him to meet ALL of them, that's all we would do. He's met the ones that mean the most to me, the rest, not a big deal...

I've thought about this quite a bit, and this is what I've come up with:

In straight couples, the guy has his guy friends that he likes to go out to the bar, watch the game, and play poker with, and the girl has her girl friends that she likes to go to movies, shopping, dinner with. And for the most part those don't ever really mingle together. The guy is perfectly fine with his girlfriend/wife/whatever going out with her friends and is more than okay with not joining them, and vise versa.

So what's the deal here? I guess this is only a gay couple situation. I mean, I have those friends that if he thought about it probably isn't that interested in meeting and getting to know, that I want to go out with from time to time. And that should be okay. I'm totally fine with him going out with people without me, even if it's someone I do know. I just don't think it's that big of a deal...

Won't take nothin' but a memory...

There's a new(ish) song I've been hearing on the radio: The House that Built Me by Miranda Lambert. It's a REALLY good song, I'm hoping that it'll be up for song of the year. Anyways, this song's been making me think about my life lately. Basically the song is about going back to the house that she grew up in; the house of her momma's dreams, where her favorite dog is buried, where she learned how to play guitar; she goes back because she's broken and wants to find herself again, "if I could just come in, I swear I'll leave, won't take nothin' but a memory, from the house that built me"

This got me thinking about my life. I often say, "not all that wander are lost," but maybe I am. I've never really had any stability in my life. Growing up we moved every other year or so, not just across town, they were usually cross-country moves. I don't have a "house that built me."
These last couple of years I haven't really known how to be; being in the same place for more than 2 years, having actual friendships, actual relationships. Stability has almost become...debilitating.

I don't know how to be still. I don't know how to not be constantly on the move. In my head I keep thinking up ways to "get out" of where I am in life, but, I don't want to "get out." I love where I am in life, I love what I'm doing, I guess I just have a fear, or misunderstanding of stability.

But, I'm learning to be still. I'm learning how to be. I'm learning how to be happy with where I am. I'm learning how to be content in life. Slowly, but surely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQYNM6SjD_o

1 Year

Today is a special day :-)

A year ago, today, I met a wonderful man. It's hard to believe that we've been together for an entire year. We've had ups and downs, but if you can believe it, we've never had a fight (not real sure how that's happened). He's pretty incredible, and I love spending time with him. We're having a special dinner and whatnot tonight, and then having a little get together with some friends on friday. I don't know what this next year will bring, but I am so grateful for this past year, and that he's in my life.

We actually met on bear411... who woulda thunk?


More to come...

Finals, Understanding, and Luck

Final papers, projects, and exams, so close to being done with this school year. It's hard to believe that this time next year I'll be graduating from college. It feels like it was just a few months ago that I stepped foot on campus for the first time. I think I'm going to take summer courses to lighten my load next year.

I talked with the mentor guy today. I think we're on a greater level of understanding on both our parts. He's not very knowledgeable about my whole situation, so I was able to tell him where I'm coming from, and what I've come to believe, and how I've come to this point. I will say that I have nothing but the utmost respect for him because he could have shut me out, thrown me out of the department, and called the deans and had me kicked out of school, but he's open to conversation. He's open to talking about it, and learning about it because all he's ever known about homosexuality is what's been hatefully spewed from pulpits. So he's going to read up on it, talk to some of his trusted mentors, and then we'll talk again. I count myself VERY lucky that he has this kind of attitude about it.

Everyone I've talked to about all of this has asked why I'm so loyal to this school, and wouldn't it be easier to just transfer. To answer, all I can say is that I'm not real sure; maybe it's because this is where I'm suppose to be right now, maybe it's because I know I'll survive, and come out stronger because of it. I don't know, the thought of transferring never really crossed my mind as a serious out. I'm not some happy-go-lucky-glass-is-half-full kind of person but to be real honest, I'm not worried about it all, because I know it will all work out.

More to come...

Sunshine

Today was one of those fantastic spring days, where the sun is shining, there's a few clouds, the air is cool and crisp. These are my favorite kind of days. Days like these absolve my worries, and make me love life again. I was starting to lose hope and faith in humanity, however cliche, and juvenile that sounds. I mean, I've always been the kind of person to look for the best in people, to always give a person the benefit of the doubt. But in these last weeks I've found out that the very people I thought I could trust, and thought actually cared about me, blabbed the things I told them in confidence to whoever they felt like. These were my closest friends, the ones that you are suppose to be able to depend on, and they just went around telling the things that I trusted them with, and going so far as to make up stories to go with it. I guess it just goes to show that you can't really trust anyone.

Anyways, enough depression. Sunshine and fresh crisp air always makes things better.

BTW all this gossip and whatnot is the cause of that group confronting me. Apparently some of the guys actually believed that I was running a male escort service and living with my pimp. I'm shocked that they would just simply believe it.

More to come...

When will we Love?

I'm just gonna say it, this whole situation blows, and NOT in the good way. I've been thinking about it alot, needless to say. I've questioned every little thing. Looked at it from every point of view I can think of, asked others opinions on what I should do. So pretty much I've let my mind take over, and my mind isn't good with making decisions like this, especially when it's such a big and controversial thing.

I've totally tuned out my heart. I should have never done that. God has given me a heart that has never been wrong before, when I listen to it and do what it tells me. I can't trust rhetoric, I can't trust people trying to persuade me, I can't trust others thoughts on the subject, I can't trust agendas. I can only trust what my heart tells me. I CAN ONLY TRUST WHAT MY HEART TELLS ME. And what it's telling me is what I've known all along, that I've been through a ton of shit, and come to believe what I believe for a reason. It's telling me to hold strong to what I believe, because it's right for me. It may not be right for them, but it's right for me. No one in the world can tell me I'm wrong when in my heart I know I'm not. This is not me being stubborn or close-minded, this is me doing what's best for me, what my heart is telling me.



I don't want to lie, I don't want to decieve, but if that's what it takes to guard my heart, then I will, because if I lose my heart, then what do I have left?

I will all work out, I believe for the best. I will survive, I always do.

I wish I would've figured this out earlier, could have saved weeks of stress and worry.





I'm just mad at this whole situation. I mean, if people had character, and were actually trustworthy and acted out of Love, I wouldn't be in this mess. We're in the 21st century, and people are still prejudice, and full of hate, and afraid of what they're ignorant of.

When will we grow up? When will we learn? When will we Love?



Feel free to comment.



More to come...

Foundations and the Future

Sorry it's been so long, I know, I'm a bad blogger... but school has to come first, and with midterms, projects, and papers, well, ya know.

Anyways...

Have you ever had those times where someone says something to you, or does something that shakes you to the foundation, and makes you question everything you believe? I had one of those moments last week. I've said this before, but I spent a LONG time praying and searching myself to finally come to terms with being gay. I questioned everything I had been told, sought out my own beliefs, and the reasons behind them. I became strong in what I believed.

Last week I was confronted about being gay. More specifically about being gay, and being in the position I am at my school. It was by a group of guys in the same department as me, who have all become pretty close, and have started an accountability group with a staff person as a mentor. This all caught me COMPLETELY off guard, so much so, that I couldn't think clearly to answer most of their questions.

Let me just say, that I haven't felt "guilty" or "convicted" about being gay in a LONG time, but I have ever since they confronted me about it. It's shaken me up, and made me start thinking about it all again, and with it I can't help but think, "what if I'm wrong?" See, the thing is, is I know who I am, I know what I am. I also know what I'm called to do, and in their minds those things can't go together. If I tell them that I'm going to continue to be gay, I lose everything I've worked for, for the last 3 years. I lose future career contacts, endorsements, recommendations, etc. I lose everything I've battled for, and spent the last 10 years of my life dealing with, and coming to terms with.

My philosophy is No Regrets. After fighting myself for years, I've finally grown to love myself. I am who I am because of what I've been through. I can't change anything in the past, and wouldn't if I could, so why regret? (I'm not saying I'm proud of everything I've done, just, there's no point in regretting)

Anyways, I can't just give up everything that I've worked for, both at school, and in my personal life. I don't know what to do, as I see it right now, there's no explaining my way out of it, the only answer their going to take is that I'm going to "turn away" from being gay. I just don't know what to do...


Any suggestions, concerns, or comments would be appreciated.

More to come...

The Christian Bubble and My First Experience

Before college I had never drank, smoked, cursed, or had sex. Of course none of those things are really anything to brag about having done them, that's just the kind of life I had. The one thing I have against growing up in a Christian home with strict parents is that I never really saw the world for what it is. It's like I kind of grew up in a bubble. I wasn't the most sheltered kid in the world, but at the same time my mom FREAKED when she found out I had made a myspace when I was a sophomore in highschool, and grounded me for a month for using the internet without asking. I find that it's the same way at my school now. This place is a protected Christian bubble, where we don't really see what real life is, and we never have to deal with heavy issues that are suppose to shape our personalities and characters. I say we, but, I don't really count myself in with 90% of the people that go here. Remember what I said about there being 2 kinds of Christians? Well, I only associate myself with the real ones at my school, the ones that know that not everything is black and white. There are very few of us. These are my closest friends here. They know about me, and it doesn't make any difference to them. I feel bad for the kids that go here that went to private Christian schools all their lives, and are now going here. These are the kids that go off the deep end when the get into the real world, and finally have some freedom. I've seen it happen several times.

Anyways, my freshman year was the year that the whole scandal with Larry Craig happened (the senator that got caught cruising for sex in an airport bathroom). Hearing about all of this got the wheels turning in my brain. I started wondering if there were places like that, cruisy spots where guys go to hook up, where I lived. So, I decided to search for them on the internet, and Lo and Behold, there were some. Not only in the town that my school is in, but the town where my parents live, as well as almost every larger city in the U.S. What was funny was that I had been to most of those places that this website talked about, but never knew that that kind of stuff went on there.So, I decided to go to one of these cruisy spots back in my hometown when I was home one weekend. I had no trouble finding it because the directions on the website were pretty clear. I drive back in this dirt road right by a park right after dark. There weren't any cars back there, so I turned around to leave, and as I was leaving a car passed me going back to the spot where stuff goes down. So, I turn my car back around and park a good 30 yards from him facing the other direction. I remember being SO nervous. My heart was racing. And I had no clue what to do.


THIS NEXT PART CONTAINS MATERIAL ABOUT SEX, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT SKIP DOWN TO THE LINE...

After sitting there for a couple minutes, he gets out of his car with just a shirt and shoes on and stands in front of his car jacking off. I can see all of this in my rearview mirror. At this point I was thinking, "this guy is nuts." A couple more minutes passed by, with my heart beating out of my chest, and my hands cold and shaky, until finally I said to myself, "get out of the car, if you don't right now, you wont." I got out of my car and leaned up against the side of it and undid my belt and unzipped my pants. The guy started walking over to me, I was so nervous and my throat was so dry that I could hardly talk, but I managed the words: "I'm kinda nervous, I've never done anything before." He said, "Oh! That's okay!" then proceeded to give me a bj. Right as he was finishing I saw headlights coming around the bend so I jumped in my car and almost peeled out trying to get out of there. I didn't notice it at the time, probably because I was so nervous, but he was a pretty hot guy, definitely my type.


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After that happened, I drove back to school. In my head it didn't even seem real, I felt like I had made the whole thing up. I thought that as soon as I had my first experience, maybe everything would calm down, but it didn't. I knew I was suppose to feel guilty and shameful for what I had done, but I felt free. It was exhilerating. I liked it, and knew I wanted to do it again.

More to come...

The first inkling

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were music pastors, and we moved around alot. You wouldn't believe some of the stories I could tell you about our experiences with some churches/pastors, but that's for another time. Anyways, my first inkling of knowing I was gay was when I was 11 years old, and in 5th grade. My family had just gotten a computer/internet, and I discovered Google. It was right before my brothers birthday party, and everyone else was preoccupied with getting things ready. I was in my parents bedroom, and was wondering what kind of websites there were. I typed in anything I could think of. Then I got the thought, "I wonder if there are any websites about nudists." I remember thinking before I typed it in, that it was rediculous, and there probably weren't any. Huh, was I wrong...lol. So I searched "nude websites." You can imagine what came up. I remember there was some pictures of naked guys by one of the sites, and I clicked it. I was in total shock, I couldn't believe that there were pictures like this on the internet. But at the same time, I thought it was incredible. I wanted to see more...

A couple days later when I was home alone, I searched again. I remember clicking on a website, I think it was called "Adultland." I printed the home page which was a collage of topless women, because I thought, "yeah, guys are suppose to like girls," but I wasn't attracted to any of them. I quickly tore it up because I knew I would be in BIG trouble if my mom ever found it.

At this point, I didn't know what homosexuality was. All I knew was that I liked looking at pictures of naked guys, and doing it gave me a really strange feeling. So, for a long time, I didn't think much of it, I just knew that looking at nudie pics was wrong, and I would be in a world of hurt if my parents found out.

When I finally started to comprehend what homosexuality was, I didn't associate myself with it. I kept looking at gay porn, but didn't see myself as gay. I even talked to one of my friends one time about it. We had gone to a Christian youth convention thing, and I told her I had a problem, that I looked at gay porn, but I told her that I wasn't gay. Her reaction was, "okay, then stop." Easier said then done.

All throughout high school I tried dating girls, but just wasn't interested. And I still looked at gay porn all the time. My christian cultured mind said I was going to hell, said that I could change and be healed from it. Because of this, I spent countless nights praying that God would take it from me, that he would make me straight. I hated the thought of admitting I was gay. I hated myself.

Everything started to change when I started college...


More to come...

Homosexuality and Christianity...

In my previous post, I may have sounded as though I am no longer religious, or hate religion. That's quite the opposite. I do believe in God, and I do see myself as a Christian. I believe that you can be gay and a Christian. It's not "God still loves me even though I'm gay," it's God Loves me. Period. It was a long and hard road to get to where I am now on my thoughts on all of this. I, as I know many other gay men, hated it at first, would give or do anything to be made straight. I remember countless nights lying awake in my bed praying for God to change me and forgive me for the thoughts that I had. But that's because I was influenced by what "the norm" of society is. But after really searching myself, and questioning what it was that I believed, I came to my conclusion. I have no convictions for who I am. Why should I? It wasn't a choice.

One thing that really helped me, and got the ball rolling on all of this is a book that my dad gave me when I came out to him (which will be in a future post) called The Children are Free by Jeff Miner and John Tyler Connoley. (here's the link to it: http://www.jesusmcc.org/resource/free.html ) I definitely recommend this book to anyone struggling with this issue, it changed my whole perspective.

So, anyways, I'm not saying I hate going to a Christian University, I love the school, it's just, I have to take things differently. I believe there are two kinds of Christians: the christians, and the real Christians. The christians are those that take every single word in the Bible totally literally. They are the ones who have been fed regurgitated religion all their lives from pastors who don't want you to think for yourself. They expect you to take their interpretation as complete truth, and tell you not to question anything. They are the ones that would give up the Jews hiding in the basement when the Nazi's come knocking because the Bible says not to lie. Then there are the real Christians. These are the ones who love, no matter what. They question. Everything. They find out for themselves what they believe, and why they believe it. They realize that in the Bible a few verses after it says "men do not lay with other men as you would a woman" it says "do not cut the hair on the sides of your head or shave your beards." They understand that much of the Bible was written for the culture of that time. They Don't condemn.

Even if I'm living in sin (which I don't believe I am), at least I know what I believe, and love, and act like what the Bible says Christians should be.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get all religious, but it's an important subject to me, and I know it's a touchy one.


Just so you know, I'll be going back and forth between what's currently going on in my life, and the experiences I've had over the last 3 years while coming to terms with who I am.

More to come...

Some background...

Where to start? Well, I've been going to an internationally known Christian University for the past 2 and a half years. I'm in my Junior year, and the 2nd semester just started a couple of weeks ago. When i was in high school choosing which college to go to, this was the natural choice. Most of my friends were already here, or applying, I had family that went here, and at the time, it was the "greatest idea I'd ever had." Lately though, I've had a different opinion.

Let me start out by saying, as you've probably guessed by now, that my school has a lot of rules. In fact, we have a list of them that we have to read through and sign at the beginning of each school year. Here are some things that are on it: no lying, stealing, cursing, cheating, no drug tobacco or alcohol use, no "engaging in any illicit, unscriptural sexual acts, which include any homosexual activity and sexual intercourse with one who is not my spouse through traditional marriage of one man and one woman," we're required to attend class and chapel, and there's a bunch of stuff about pledging ourselves to basically be "good little Christians" (or at least what the administration thinks "good little Christians" are). There is also a nightly curfew, dress code, required Health and Physical Education each semester, and you can't live off campus unless you are 25 or older, married, a part-time student, or your parents live within so many miles of the campus.

Here's the kicker: Homosexuality is not tolerated. If administration finds out you're gay, you're outta there. I know people that have been kicked out because of it. So, needless to say, I pretty much have to walk on eggshells all the time. Not that I'm flamboyant, I'm very straight acting, but it makes it difficult to go out, meet people, go to dinner with my boyfriend, etc.

more to come...